Lingo Update

The more I think about Officer Lingo and the recent events, I can't help but wonder what his last minutes were like.

A few important things to mention; he had just worked eight hour shifts, back to back, at two different jobs, he was in the bathroom when he shot himself, and his daughters, both younger than 13, were the ones that found him.

Being busy and stretched too thin and feeling out of control of your life can bring you down fast.  Real fast.  Lingo had three jobs, as far as I know, and still could not afford to move out of the house while, I imagine, paying his ex a ton of money.  

The fact that he killed himself in the bathroom suggests to me that he was looking at himself in the mirror.  Hard.  Deciding.  Maybe with a calmness knowing that all his problems were about the be blown away or with the trembling, terrified hands or someone that can't believe they are seriously considering taking their own life and leaving loved ones behind.  

Worst of all though, his daughters finding him.  From what I know, their mother had just dropped them off, they went running into the house yelling, "Daddy! Daddy!" and ran straight into that mess.  I'm not certain what happened after that; whether the mother had taken off as soon as the girls went into the house or if she had walked them in... I don't know.  Either way, those girls are going to be fucked up for the rest of their lives.

It bothers me that Lingo felt this was the best, or perhaps only, way to deal with his problems.  He adored his girls.  I know he did.  He taught me their secret father-daughter hand shake and always spoke so affectionately of them.  I would hope that he wasn't expecting them to find him first.

I can't get this out of my head.  He is the first person that I knew to commit suicide.  I've been lucky in that there has been very little death around me.  My great aunt and uncle passed away some years ago, as did my fathers parents, but I wasn't necessarily very close to any of them so I felt removed.  I liked Lingo.  I enjoyed his company.  I felt safe being at WaWa at 3am when all the weird-o's and crazies are out.  He was there just this past Friday (I, unfortunately, was not) trying to sort out some mental guy.

It just boggles my mind.  Befuddles me.  And makes me wish I had hugged him and let him know that there were always people around that cared.