Enraged

I am not a fighter. That's not to say, of course, that I'm a pacifist who lets everyone walk all over me... But I don't look for conflict, I don't enjoy conflict, and I generally try to avoid it at all costs.

I am also not a bad person. Meaning, I am respectful, work hard for what I have and where I'd like to go, I maintain healthy relationship, both romantic and friendly, I don't go out of my way to ensure other peoples misery, I don't lie, cheat, or steal, I'm not conniving or scheming, and I like trying new things.

I am also 22 years old. I like to drink in moderation, I smoke cigarettes, I like to go out to the movies and to restaurants, I like to spend money on my hobbies and interest's, and the one person I should be concerned with is me.

I'm not saying all this toot my own horn but primarily, I think, to convince myself that when people viciously attack my personality, my way of life, and my manner of doing things, that it is unwarranted.

As I've said, I don't like conflict so when someone says, "I demand that you say 'Hello' to me every time you walk by me," I do. It's not difficult nor out of my way. So I do. When someone says, "Don't do laundry past 9pm! There's no reason for that! You're going to burn the house down!" then fine, I won't do laundry past 9pm. When someone says, "You are going to pay rent and make dinner on this night," then I shall pay rent and make dinner on that night. So I do all these things, be pleasant, do my best to avoid interfering with people's day-to-day lives, don't bother their stuff, rarely eat their food, and just do my best to live in peace... and it's not enough. Of course.

What really gets to me is that when some people fight, they aren't fighting to solve any problems. They are fighting to yell intentionally hurtful words at you. Er, me, rather.

...

Unfortunately I had a 12-hour interruption so this blog will have to end there... I still get the angry shakes and that upset stomach, anxious feeling that you tend to get when you know you're in trouble and haven't yet faced the consequences. The whole thing is bologna.